Hello Golden Goddess,
Today I’m chatting with Martha Bodyfelt. Martha is a divorce and recovery coach whose website, “Surviving Your Split,” helps divorced women get their confidence back after divorce so they can move on with their lives. She helps her clients get through separation and divorce int he most stress free and drama free way possible. She helps clients get on with thier lives and not have separation, the divorce process, or the chaos run their lives forever.
On moving on with life and asking the question, “Am I ready to date?” some of they key points we speak about are confidence, empowerment, and reframing.
When Martha first got divorced, she learned the hard way that you need to love yourself and be okay with yourself before you can start to think about romantic relationships. After a slump of woe is me, she realized that she needed to start keeping herself busy. She started to think about and do the things that could return her to who she was as a person. She chose to do things she loved instead of spending her energy trying to save her marriage. This led to taking pilates classes, a foreign language class, and even wine sommelier classes. Martha talked about how once she stopped looking for a guy, spent more time with herself, therapist, doing things used to love to do, she felt better. She started putting herself first, and having a relationship with herself.
On Confidence: Confidence is like learning a new language. If you weren’t exposed to it at a young age as a child, it’s hard to pick up as an adult. The same goes for confidence. If you were never raised with parents that told you to be strong, bold, it’s okay to be bossy, ask questions, be the leader. If you never had that, you don’t need to be evaluated by how attractive or pretty you are (foundation of confidence for young girls) then there’s no way it’s going to happen overnight and recover strong and confidence if you never learned those skills.
On Empowerment: Western culture instills the scarcity model in us. We’ll run out of men, eggs in our ovaries, and options. But it’s not the truth! There is no deadline to find a relationship. After divorce, what’s most important is internalizing in a meaningful way that you are “enough”, and divorcing yourself from the idea of “I should have”.
On Reframing: Be proud of the progress you’ve already made. Look at where you are today versus where you were a year ago, two years ago, five years ago. Be proud of everything you’ve accomplished and celebrate the hard work that’s been put in so far. Thank yourself for what you can still do. Be thankful you have the ability to take care of yourself. It’s important to acknowledge things marriage has taught you, and be grateful for the growth, acknowledge evolving, grateful for kids and family, recognize dynamic will evolve. It’s all about evolving instead of seeing things as if everything is falling apart.
On Dating: It’s near impossible to find a good partner and someone who deserves you unless you find that confidence. You’ll be a radar for partners who will continue to disrespect you cause they know you won’t stand up for yourself. Know your agreements in life and in relationships. If the person on the other end of the agreement doesn’t meet that need, you have to be willing to walk away.
So, Golden Goddess. If you are wondering whether or not you’re ready to date, I leave you with this last question: If you never find a partner again to share things with, are you going to be okay?
From my home to yours,